Split

I am the type to live in my head. I spend long car rides and the moments before sleep thinking up stories that somehow never make it on to paper. And I fantasize.

I my mind, I still look roughly the same. I still have the same hair, maybe a little smoother and I still have the same body shape, maybe a little slimmer. I don't consciously try to kid myself into thinking that I am truly a size 2, and truth be told I can't even picture myself that way. I guess in my mind I have a flatter stomach and maybe a torso that isn't so long. And then I look in the mirror. Sometimes, the truth of my body shocks me. I know I don't have the body of an athlete, but I had hoped for something better than a bowl of rising bread dough.

The confusing part is that there are other cases of a disjoint between the mental image of the body and the actual image. With people with anorexia or bulimia, the images are reversed so that the mental body is the one that is bigger. So what's up with me?

Maybe I like to fancy myself thinner and assume I look that way in the same way that people think that they are the best writer or singer or whatever in the world. Maybe instead of character traits I imagine myself better physically. However, I am not comparing myself to other people. I don't think that I have a better body with anyone other than my mirror self.

I think the best way to describe my thought process is what I will now call Fat Bastard Syndrome. In my head, I'm "dead sexy" and uphold my belief even when evidence is shown to the contrary. I don't outright deny the flab when I am confronted with it, however once I am away from a mirror long enough the ideal picture of myself comes back and that's how I go on thinking of myself until I look again.

That might not be an accurate description, but it's all I can think of for now. Why is there this huge split between my sexy head image and what I really look like?


(image from here)